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Saturday, November 28, 2009

It's so easy to despair!

I keep thinking about this whole parenting 'gig' and how very unqualified I am. Truly. I have decided that the reason God gave me 5 beautiful children is precisely because I need so much refining. It's not about them so much as it is about my heart, motives and desires. I doubt I will ever rest comfortably in thinking I have the answers and am an 'excellent' or even 'very good parent'. Don't get me wrong- I'd love to say either of those! But I know me far too well. More correctly I know my sin nature oh so well. ~sigh~ It rears it's ugly head daily(or even hourly) and I must confess it seems to be most prominent in response to a certain 13yo that lives here. Or 16yo. Or the 7yo. You get the point.
I do struggle almost constantly with despair. Just about daily I think "What was God thinking! I can't do this! I'm waaay outnumbered!" I constantly have to remind myself that even when I think I just might be ruining my children in one form or another the Lord is present and He alone can fill the huge gaps I am certain to leave. I have no illusions about small gaps. It reminds me of the thought that all teachers leave gaps as all have weaknesses in various areas/practices. I am so grateful for His faithfulness amidst my failures and shortcomings!
One thing I have found helpful in this journey is the podcast for "Revive Our Hearts" that my best friend Hilary steered me towards. I still need to thank her even though it took me like 6 months to actually go listen- I can be thick at times- and scattered. :) Nancy Leigh DeMoss touches on so many subjects that speak to me on many different levels from parenting to fear and everything else in between. It's kind of like another favorite podcast of mine- "TED Talks'. Both are always intriguing, never dull, and I learn something new each time. Nancy's love for the Lord is apparent and refreshing and I need that influence.
Revive Our Hearts
does just that for me- revives me, gives me hope, renews and reinvigorates my faith. I find it most helpful that it is a program by a women and geared towards women.
I think there is nothing in my life so humbling as parenting. It continually drives me to His feet crying out for wisdom, mercy...and forgiveness, and not neccessarliy in that order.

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