Another rescue from my old blog.

Dec. 13, 2005 - Smoke and Mirrors

Don't you just love mirors? Well, on the good days anyways.... the days when your hair looks perfectly coiffed, and you look (and feel) a few pounds thinner? Mirrors themselves are quite attractive, I think. In a well-lit room they are bright and cheery as they help the light to bounce across the rooom or reflect the view of a window. The problem I have with mirrors is......well...... they reflect things as they are. On good days, this is fabulous! But, if you are like me your fair days or even not-so-good-days are more abundant than the really good ones. :)

I have come to realize than I have a few more mirrors around my house than I had thought. These mirrors can be bright and cheery, or they can be altogether different! These mirrors that I refer to walk about on two legs, with two arms, two eyes, and for now they are a few inches shorter than I. I have realized that children are perfect mirrors. You may have heard the saying that children learn what they live. That statement has become startling clear to me as of late and I must admit, the reflection is rather unsettling. Are my children so misbehaved as to require "Super Nanny" pay us a visit? No. But do they reflect the selfless character of Christ? Not near as much as I wish! But the deeper question is do *I* reflect the selfless character of Christ? Do I possess His heart? You see, mirrors reflect because it is their nature to do so. So it is with children AND adults.

What we reflect and HOW we reflect it is in direct proportion to what is in our hearts. The bible tells us that:

" The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Boy do I know the truth in that verse just by looking honestly at my own heart! I have a song on CD that says at one point "O wretched man, that I am, Who'll deliver me?" It helps to keep my true state at the forefront of my mind. It does not make me sad to hear it, rather it helps me to be focused honestly on my position- one seriously lacking perfection. Recognizing that I am wretched is not fun, but I have great joy in knowing that in my heart dwells One who has delivered me, can deliver me and will deliver me again one day. HOW Amazing!

So back to mirrors. My 4 children are spaced: 2 (a several year gap) and then 2 more. I began to realize the perfect mirrors my children were when my 3rd child began reflecting habits, tones, and ways of doing things that I really did not like, however I had allowed (at times unwittingly) my older children to portray. It was a bit of a wake-up call, I'm afraid. What was even MORE unsettling was the realization of where my older children had picked up their undesirable traits. I have come to realize that in a number of ways and areas I have not fulfilled my obligation towards my children. In many respects it has been due to my desire for my own comfort. ~sigh~ I did not honestly realize how much so. I realized that at times that though I had been disciplining my children's actions, it was like blowing smoke in front of their reflections. Smoke billows, can't be captured, and clouds the view. Just like disciplining actions and not getting to the heart of the issue- your child's heart. I had thought I was being fairly consistent, however, I was consistent with the wrong emphasis. I was trying to capture my children's heart....but what about mine? Trying to capture my children's hearts is a noble effort, and very worthwhile. BUT, if my heart is not first in the right place, my efforts will amount to nothing.

"As he (a man) thinketh in his heart, so is he." Proverbs 23:7a

Very worthwhile words from Proverbs to ponder. Am I thinking on the very character traits/qualities that I desire my children to possess? Am I WORKING to possess them myself through a relationship with Christ, self discipline, and much prayer? Where is my heart? Is it in line with scripture? I must first deal with my own heart issues before I can begin to effectively deal with my children's or to win their hearts. The key question I need to continually ask myself is, "Am I exhibiting Christ to my children today?"

It's so easy to despair!

I keep thinking about this whole parenting 'gig' and how very unqualified I am. Truly. I have decided that the reason God gave me 5 beautiful children is precisely because I need so much refining. It's not about them so much as it is about my heart, motives and desires. I doubt I will ever rest comfortably in thinking I have the answers and am an 'excellent' or even 'very good parent'. Don't get me wrong- I'd love to say either of those! But I know me far too well. More correctly I know my sin nature oh so well. ~sigh~ It rears it's ugly head daily(or even hourly) and I must confess it seems to be most prominent in response to a certain 13yo that lives here. Or 16yo. Or the 7yo. You get the point.
I do struggle almost constantly with despair. Just about daily I think "What was God thinking! I can't do this! I'm waaay outnumbered!" I constantly have to remind myself that even when I think I just might be ruining my children in one form or another the Lord is present and He alone can fill the huge gaps I am certain to leave. I have no illusions about small gaps. It reminds me of the thought that all teachers leave gaps as all have weaknesses in various areas/practices. I am so grateful for His faithfulness amidst my failures and shortcomings!
One thing I have found helpful in this journey is the podcast for "Revive Our Hearts" that my best friend Hilary steered me towards. I still need to thank her even though it took me like 6 months to actually go listen- I can be thick at times- and scattered. :) Nancy Leigh DeMoss touches on so many subjects that speak to me on many different levels from parenting to fear and everything else in between. It's kind of like another favorite podcast of mine- "TED Talks'. Both are always intriguing, never dull, and I learn something new each time. Nancy's love for the Lord is apparent and refreshing and I need that influence.
Revive Our Hearts does just that for me- revives me, gives me hope, renews and reinvigorates my faith. I find it most helpful that it is a program by a women and geared towards women.
I think there is nothing in my life so humbling as parenting. It continually drives me to His feet crying out for wisdom, mercy...and forgiveness, and not neccessarliy in that order.